I wish I'd never loved you
by jessielou
Summary: Sara had never seen herself as a killer but few people did until they were. Grissom has fallen for someone else and in a drunked state Sara thinks over the past few years of her life.


None of the characters are mine and the song is _I Wish I'd Never Loved You by Dusty Springfield_

Sara picked up the glass and sipped at the wine slowly. She was not the mad alcoholic they had portrayed her as; she just liked to have a drink now and again. At that moment she had needed one, just a little something to help her escape the pain. Grissom had looked straight through her, straight through her and straight into the eyes of another woman. It was not the first time he had done it but this time felt different. Inside she knew that any hope she had of them getting together was over and it hurt like hell. At least before she had held onto the hope that perhaps he might change his mind. Now she did not even have that all she had was the half empty glass that she held in her hand. How had she let it turn out this way?

_I wish I'd never loved you_

_I wish I'd never wanted you so much_

_And never thrilled to your touch_

_And I would not be lonely and crying_

_And hurting deep inside_

_Alone with a need that can't be satisfied_

So many years had been wasted in pursuit of him, Gil Grissom a man of few words but the words he did use were effective. There were so many others, she could have chosen any of them but she had only ever wanted him. There had been distractions, she had tried to forget about him but somehow she was always dragged back. A more sensible person would have left after the first rejection but she had always been know for her stubborn persistence. She thought back to all the times he had nearly told her how he felt. The time she had brushed chalk from his face, just to touch him had been electric to her. She longed for him to touch her, to kiss her, to stop her hanging onto the hope and let her know once and for all. He had toyed with her and when he was bored moved on. If only she could have done the dame thing. She took another long drink from the glass and stumbled towards the cupboard to find something stronger. Anything that would wipe the memory of his happiness that had infected the whole team, anything that would allow her to move on as heartlessly as he had.

_I wish I'd never loved you_

_I wish I'd never given you my heart_

_And watch you tear it all apart_

_And I would not be tortured, tormented and cheated_

_And surely my heart would not be broken in two_

The worst thing would be work the next day. The bags under her eyes and her slightly slurred words would give away the fact she had been drinking. He would act concerned and ask her if she wanted to talk but his words were hollow. People in love and happy rarely cared about the emotions of those outside their little world, He would be no different from the rest, he had no reason to be. Grissom would not even have to say anything his happiness would be everywhere she looked, there would be no escaping it. She unscrewed the lid of the Vodka she had been saving at the back of her cupboard. What was it with the men in her life? It was as if she attracted those that wanted to hurt her or perhaps she was stuck in a vicious circle where they were the only kind of men she could love. Greg was a nice guy and he had liked her but she had not wanted him. In the same way Grissom had rejected her she had rejected him. Tears of anger began to run down her face as she thought of all the things she should have done differently. The words of her shrink came into her head.

"Don't live in the past. In order to recover you must look to the future."

She laughed; it was easy enough to day that when you had a happy past. She desperately searched through her memories for some trace of happiness and the only thing that flashed up in her mind was the first time she had seen Grissom and heard him speak. He had held her captivated from that moment. She would have done anything for him. Heck she had moved to be closer to him.

_I saw you with another_

_I watched you hold her tenderly_

_And I could see as you kissed her_

_You'd never come back to me, oh_

It was the looked he had shared with the woman that had given it away. It was the same look she had been giving Grissom for years, the same look he had never returned. What was in a look anyway? She had been on so many cases where people had been so convincing at lying that she had nearly believed them. A look could be faked, it could be taken the wrong way, and it did not have to mean that he loved her. She stared for a long time at the bottle on the table. Was this really how she wanted to end up? A dried up bitter woman lamenting the loss of a love she had never really had. Still life rarely worked out the way people wanted it to. She had learnt that from her years as a CSI. Perhaps it was time for her to move on. She had put her heart and soul into loving Grissom and her job. Now she had lost him perhaps it was time she lost her other great love. Ecklie had been waiting to get rid of her for a while, he did not like her attitude and thought of her as a 'lose cannon'. A drink to Ecklie and his victory, a drink that burnt as it went down but at the same time managed to numb everything.

_I wish I'd never loved you, mmm_

_I wish you'd never burned me with your kiss_

_Oh, how can I go on like this?_

_And I would not be tortured, tormented and cheated_

_How I wish I'd never loved you_

_And I could see as you kissed her_

_You'd never come back to me_

Why did he feel the need to destroy her in this way? His happiness was her misery. In a way it was almost as if he was enjoying it. A feeling of nausea began to pass over her and she knew she should stop drinking. It was the alcohol that was making her feel this way. She would wake up in the morning and this would all be a bad dream. At least she had not called him and drunkenly told him she loved him. He had never loved her but for a few moments at least he had allowed her to think he had and it was those few moments that had brought her to this point. So many years and so many mistakes. It was that tiny bit of hope that she had clung on too, desperately, sadly. Despite feeling ill she finished of glass and set it down on the floor. She took another sip from the glass in front of her. She staggered back into her living room and looked around her flat. It was bare and devoid of any real human input apart from a plant, a plant that had been loved and cared for. It was the only sign that she had loved him and he had cared for him. As she left the flat she knocked the plant into the bin. The plant was not what she wanted anymore perhaps it was never what she wanted.

_Oh, I wish I'd never loved you_

_I wish you'd never burned me with your kiss_

_Oh, how can I go on like this?_

_And I would not be tortured, tormented and cheated_

_How I wish I'd never loved you_

_Oh, I wish I'd never loved you_

Sara had never seen herself as a killer but most people never saw themselves as a killer until they were. As she stood with the gun in her hand it all seemed so clear. Human emotions destroyed everything. She should have stayed away from Grissom and not played his game. He had won in the end. Her world had collapsed and now she was going to destroy his. Grissom had never wanted a party when he left CSI but she had.

_How I wish I'd never, no, no, never_

_I'd never loved you_


End file.
